beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the
sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my
sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed
animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may
eat, but not in the living room.
cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you
may eat, but not in the living room.
cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and
of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of
bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
but not in the living room.
juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living
room, neither may you carry such therein.
when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you
may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you
are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
And if you
are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
as a greater person might use, keep your legs and
feet below you as they were. Neither raise up
your knees, nor place your feet upon the table,
for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when
you have an interesting bandage to show, your
feet upon the table are an abomination, and
worthy of rebuke.
milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for
that is not what they are for; if you will dip
your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you
will be sent away.
And if you
try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas
around with a fork, that it may appear that you
have eaten what you have not, you will fall into
iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no
scream for it is as if you scream all the time.
If you are given a plate on which two foods you
do not wish to touch each other are touching each
other, your voice rises up even unto the ceiling,
while you point to the offense with the finger of
your right hand, but I say to you, scream not,
only remonstrate gently with the server, that the
server may correct the fault.
if you receive a portion of fish from which every
piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you
and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain
from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm
you, and cause you to faint unto death, make not
that sound from within your throat, neither cover
you face, nor press your fingers to your nose.
For even I have made the fish as it should be;
behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Face and Hands
countenance upward to the light, and lift your
eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash
you off. For the stains are upon you; even unto
the very back of your head, there is rice
And in the
breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie
of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in manner wondrous to see.
yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each
finger in its turn for my examination thereof,
and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they
appear. What I do is as it must be, and you shall
not go hence until I have done.
Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink
of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of
any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it
be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars,
nor against any building, nor eat sand.
cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you
should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the
humming in your nose as I read, neither shall you
stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you
will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said
about the tape.