|
|
SPOILER ALERT
(PAGE-DOWN to proceed)
The Blair Witch Hoax
An Honest Review Of A Crappy Movie
This was supposed to be the most horrifying, terrifyingly scary movie that you have ever seen. It was billed as a true story. I had heard people on the radio talking about how much this movie scared them. People had asked me to go see it and let them know how scary it was because they were too afraid to go see it themselves. So my wife and I went to see it.
We knew when we went that it was supposed to be low quality filming as it was a documentary type movie done by some kids, so we expected that. The movie starts out saying that it is pieced together directly from footage that was found at the scene. At the time we watched it, we believed that. It could happen, so we fell for it. We figured, hell, this might really be some scary stuff.
The movie progressed for about an hour or so with the kids doing interviews and trekking to the spot where the film was to start. Nothing scary there. They finally found what was supposed to be this cemetery they were searching for which turned out to be nothing more than a few piles of stones. Nothing scary there. They get lost. They spend the rest of the movie bickering amongst themselves and running through the woods in the dark screaming because they heard strange noises, but saw nothing. They find a pile of stones in front of their tent on the first morning. Nothing scary there. Then one of them disappears. Oooh, spooky.
The next morning one of them finds some sticks wrapped in the lost boy's shirt. Upon opening the bundle, she sees a bunch of blood and what MIGHT have been some body parts, but you can't tell because she's using her 8mm camera and is so hysterical she's jerking the camera around. Nothing scary there cause I can't see what she's screaming at. Now this is the girl running the documentary who has insisted on filming every leaf in the woods on her 16mm camera (which is always extremely steady), but when she finally finds something that may pertain to her story, she doesn't. She doesn't even tell the other guy.
Finally they wind up in the dark at an old abandoned house and think they hear the lost boy calling them. I figure, ok, now it's gonna get good!! So they go in and look for him. You get a quick glimpse of some black and white (16mm this time) handprints on the wall. Then they run to the basement, the boy drops his camera for some unknown reason. Nothing scary there cause you don't know why he dropped it. The girl comes running down the stairs too and she sees the other guy standing in the corner, then she drops her camera. Nothing scary there cause it looks like the guy is whizzing in the corner. Maybe she never saw a guy peeing before...
So now I'm thinking maybe this is where it must really get gruesome. A few seconds of darkness go by and...and...and credits start rolling!! Everybody in the theater is staring at the screen in disbelief. People are afraid to get out of there seats as if there might still be something left. I think this is the one point in the movie some people might have actually gotten scared.
Now I don’t so much have a problem with them billing this as a true story, because that probably would have made it more scary--had there been something in the movie to scare you. Anyway, when I saw the credits going by and there were hundreds of people involved in making the movie, as well as a couple of stunt men, then I knew it wasn’t real. That made it even more disappointing. If it was going to be fake, then the least they could have done was add something scary to it. Then I heard afterward that the entire story was fake. That added insult to injury. It’s like the entire thing was a joke to see how stupid the public really is. They promoted this movie and gave it so much hype that anyone would have expected to go in and really have the bejeezus scared out of them--which, again, would have been fine had it been capable of doing that. But it wasn’t.
Now I am not saying that the situation that these three kids were in wasn’t scary, I am sure it would be. If I had been in their position, I am certain I would have been terrified. I just don’t see how this emotion can be conveyed to me by simply showing me that they were scared. I need to see why they were scared in order to feel it. For me, watching people be scared is not scary in itself. This movie had potential, especially since it was only a simulation of a true story. If they intended it to be scary, they could have added some scary content. Had the movie actually been scary, I would have been proud of them for achieving it on a $35,000 budget and for the very good acting of the three "students." As it turns out, I am really pissed over these people stealing $8.50 from me.
 |